Ten things to keep in mind while our children learn remotely

On the first official day of remote learning in Victoria I thought I’d share some tips and things that I have learnt over the past few years homeschooling.

1) Remote learning is not the same for everybody. For some, it is a learning pack with little support from school. For some, it is online classes that follow a timetable and the biggest change is that class is conducted online. There are also many variations in between. It is important not to compare yourself to others during this time. Different schools have different demands on parents. Also, as parents, we have different circumstances, different responsibilities, and different children. Some parents work, some parents have more children, some parents have children who put an unusual amount of effort trying to avoid work. Just do your best, make dua, and don’t worry if your best looks different to somebody else’s.

2) Routine is key. Try to start school work at the same time every day and have consistent breaks, you can use recess and lunch for familiarity. Some have suggested packing a lunchbox. Make a basic timetable even if not required from school, it gives your child some direction and lets them know what to expect. Having said that don’t feel you have to stick to it 100%. Do not be afraid to be flexible, if something comes up, or if your child is struggling to focus, send them outside or let them read for 5-10 mins then come back. There is nothing wrong with a bit of flexibility as long as you don’t let them take it too far.

3) Don’t be surprised if your child does not take to learning at home and everything seems like a big battle. It is not unusual to take up to a month for your child to get into a good routine and stop fighting it, this is just how some children are and it is not a reflection on you. It is often the case with children who regularly push boundaries. It is also more likely when children have used devices regularly (which let’s face it, with the amount of time our kids have been spending indoors lately is quite common nowadays). Try to be patient and consistent. Avoid getting frustrated at your child or allow negativity and stress into a situation that is already negative and stressful. Choose your battles and if you are not initially happy with the amount of work completed aim to build up over time.

4) Focus on literacy and numeracy as these are the most important areas. As long as your child can read and comprehend at the expected level it is not difficult to catch up on other subject areas, but literacy and numeracy will require a much greater effort if a student falls behind. So if you are unable to complete the work assigned for an entire day prioritise these areas.

5) Now that you are home educating you have more flexibility to complete things outside of school hours. If there is unfinished work, you can do it in the evenings as ‘homework’. You can even do it on the weekends. There is nothing to say it needs to be completed between 8:30am and 3:30 pm (unless of course your child is doing live classes online). Bottom line is you are no longer constrained by school hours, so do what works for your child and your family.

6) Make a ‘no devices for anything other than schooling’ rule for school hours. If you allow them to play the odd game here or there during their breaks trust me, it will not end. Then anytime you are busy with a chore or helping another child you will suddenly find them playing a game for “just one minute” which of course stretches out longer and longer. I don’t allow devices on ‘school days’ until all work is completed. If my son decides to drag his feet, I tell him that fine with me as I prefer him not to use devices anyhow. Having said that I do use my judgement. If I see he has made a genuine effort for most of the day, but something has taken longer than anticipated, or he had a stumbling block, I will make exceptions. For me, the effort is more important than the results.

7) Another idea is to let your child earn device time through other means. On top of the ‘no devices for anything other than schooling’ during school hours rule, I also make my son earn his device time (when I’m organised enough to follow this up which I admit isn’t as much as I’d like). This can be done through chores, reading, or any other activity you feel would be beneficial. I made a log to record this and some rules to go along which I am happy to share if anybody is interested.

8) Do what works to motivate your child. For some children this is a checklist, for others, it is a star char. You can invest in some stamps and stickers, young children love these! You know your child best, but feel free to experiment until you find something that works for your child. For my son, it was the timer. When he drags his feet and a simple task takes 10 times longer than it needs to, I simply use the timer on my phone and tell him I’m going to time and see how fast he can do the next problem/worksheet etc, All of a sudden he becomes super-efficient and the time-wasting disappears.

9) Be kind to yourself. Don’t forget to rest, sit down, put your feet up, have a cup of tea when you can. Do not expect your house to look like it does when they are at school, or even how it looks on the holidays. You have children around making mess and now that you are expected to help them with their schooling you have less time to do housework. Do not expect perfection.

10) Be kind to your child’s teacher. Just like the rest of us, they are trying their best in a situation that is stressful and very new to them. Just like us they are human and just like us they will probably make some mistakes along the way. Contact them if you are concerned or unsure about anything, but when doing so be aware that they are currently under an enormous amount of pressure, so as usual, be kind. And if you are happy with their efforts don’t be afraid to drop them a short email to let them know.

I hope some of you find this useful and let me know if you have any questions.

Preventing hurt: Are we harming or benefiting our children when we strive to avoid all pain?

The other day I was with my children at a local park.  It was a beautiful day and the park was unusually busy, the sound of children’s squeals and laughter could be heard all around.  It was then that I noticed the most adorable toddler nearby.  This toddler stood out as he had a balloon tied around his wrist and it was clear by the look on his face that he was absolutely delighted by it.  As he picked up his pace and the balloon flew through the air his toddler waddle became increasingly unstable.  And then the inevitable happened – he fell flat on his face.

Before he could even process what had happened his father immediately whisked him up, embraced him in his protective arms and comforted him.  The little boy, now realising that what had happened to him clearly must be a terrifying ordeal, was distraught.  He may have genuinely been afraid or hurt, but given the speed with which the father reacted, we can never really know.

Attempts to rescue children do not just occur with toddlers, they can be seen throughout all stages of children’s lives.  From completing homework when children start to find things challenging to dropping off lunch or homework at school and intervening in school issues, parents commonly try to safeguard their children from any difficulties.  They do so out of love and a desire to protect their children, but unfortunately, by doing so they deny their children the opportunity to experience natural consequences.

I get it, I really do.  It’s only natural for a parent to want to comfort and protect their child.  When they feel pain, you want to remove that pain.  When they are sad you want to comfort them.  You want to protect them and rescue them from everything life throws at them.  But is this really in their best interest?  In our quest to avert short term pain, are we preventing children from developing the very tools that they are required to deal with painful situations that will inevitably occur throughout life?  By constantly protecting and rescuing them, are we preventing them from gaining the skills and abilities they need to cope with such situations on their own?

How will children learn life lessons if we as parents shelter them from natural consequences?  How will they build resilience, if we do everything in our power to prevent them from ever being hurt?  When will they learn to understand that it is normal to experience ups and downs in life if we do not allow them to experience them as children?

I don’t have all the answers, in fact at various times I’ve done all of the above, and indeed sometimes it will be appropriate, sometimes we do need to intervene.  But often, when our toddlers fall over, we can casually say “oopsie daisy”, allow them to pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and continue to take those adorable unstable toddler steps.  They will look up, see us nearby, and know that if they truly need us we will be there for them. However, more often than not, they can navigate these small hurdles all on their own, and they will be better for it.

Profound words

When my oldest was five I overheard him utter some profound words. “Be what you want to be in your life,” he said.

I was so proud. Through these words, he demonstrated an understanding of things that were way beyond his years. I was pleased because this suggested a realisation that to be happy and successful in this world you needed to be true to yourself. I hoped that understanding this concept from such a young age would make it easier for him to resist the pressures that he would undoubtedly face throughout his life.

I then turned inwards and reflected on my own life. Had I succeeded in this? Am I what I want to be in my life? A million thoughts ran through my mind. How could I be more productive? There was so much I wanted to achieve, but I always seemed to have excuses. I was too busy…too tired…I didn’t enough energy…I had my hands full with the kids. These were all indeed true, but deep down I knew I could do better, deep down I knew I could accomplish more.

 

As I sat there with my new found determination to be more productive, I decided to get up to investigate and discover the context of my five-year-old’s wise words….

 

As it turned out, he was actually issuing some friendly advice on which character my husband should select in a computer game they were playing.

And just like that, I learnt another important life lesson: Overthinking can sometimes lead you to take yourself a little too seriously.

The best toilet training advice I ever received

My first attempt at toilet training was an absolute nightmare.  As a relatively new parent, I took everything I read a little too seriously and I was keen to wait for the perfect time to avoid the dreaded regression.  Going through all that hard work, succeeding, and then ending up where you first began was something that I wanted to avoid at all cost.  So I waited for the perfect time.

The problem was that the perfect time took a long time in presenting itself.  We were looking for a new rental to move into and for some reason it was taking an unusually long time.  I also was pregnant with #2 and was acutely aware that yes, a new baby also caused regression.  So by the time we found a house, moved in, had #2, and I felt human again over a year had gone past.  Suddenly my son was 3 and a half years old and very set in his ways.  Toilet training was the last thing he wanted to do and he fought it every step of the way.

A few months later I was with a group of mums who were discussing experiences with toilet training when I received some of the best advice I’d ever had.  My daughter was probably about 8 months at the time and she suggested that I start sitting her on the potty.  “Now?” I asked perplexed.  “Yes, just sit her on the potty when you change her nappy.”  I’m sure the confusion must have shown on my face, but after my first experience I was willing to try anything to make the process easier, so I did it.

The next day I dragged the potty out and was ready.  After removing her nappy and cleaning her up I sat my 8-month-old on the potty.  As expected nothing happened but I thought I’d persevere at least a few days.  The next change I did the same thing, removed her nappy and sat her down.  But this time something did happen, much to my surprise there was wee!!  Naturally, I was so elated! After all, there is nothing like toilet training to bring about a disturbing level of excitement for body waste.  I may have been a little over the top in my celebratory gestures, clapping and cheering like crazy but I wanted to make sure that my daughter knew how proud I was of her!  And she did, she was beaming; her little gummy smile as wide as can be, she was super proud of her achievement- we both were.

If I suspected that this could be a fluke, the next attempt proved otherwise – success again.  Over the next couple few days, she was weeing in the potty more often than not.  And it wasn’t before long before she also added #2’s to her repertoire.  I was over the moon!

What I most loved about this technique was that it was completely stress-free.  If she did something in the potty that was great, but if she didn’t that was also perfectly fine.  Because she was so young there was no pressure on either of us to progress, any improvement was a bonus.  She was able to slowly, at her own pace build up her control.

This was not an all or nothing endeavour, there was no need to do this at every nappy change.  When I was free and had the energy I would just take a few moments to sit her on the potty.  While there I would maybe tidy up a little for a minute or two before removing her and putting her nappy on.

When she was older and we were both ready, toilet training was considerably easier.  I won’t say it was it was a piece of cake, but because she already had control half the battle was already won.  The physical hurdle had been accomplished over time in a steady fashion, devoid of stress. Now all that was left to do was tackle the mental hurdle.

I have no doubt that over the years and through my journey of toilet training an additional four children that this advice has saved me countless hours of stress and frustration.  I am forever grateful for her simple words of wisdom.

 

 

 

 

Nigh terrors

She sleeps like an angel.  Her blond hair covering her face, her big blue eyes gently closed.  She is so tranquil and so very beautiful, far cry from the bundle of energy she is during the day. Watching her sleep warms my heart.

The peace is short lived.  It begins as a whimper. I hear it and a feeling of dread creeps into my heart.  Should I go comfort her?  Will she fall back asleep if I do?  Or will I just wake her more?  I hesitate for a moment, unsure what to do.  Then I realise that she is at the point of no return, she will not fall back asleep on her own.  I’m still unsure, deep down I know but I still pray it isn’t the case.  I go to her bed and she comes to me, but as soon as I wrap my arms around her I realise.

She is not soothed by my presence as she should be, on the contrary,  it excites her more.  She pushes me away, at first yelling, but slowly her voice rises to a scream…a piercing scream.  Her eyes are wide open, a look of horror on her face.  She looks startled and confused.  I don’t know what to do. The more I try to hold her the more afraid she becomes.  The more I try to understand her the more she pushes me away.  She stiffens her body, every muscle tensing up.  I can’t hold her, I can’t comfort her – I am powerless.

I sit there stroking her beautiful blond hair as she screams out “MUMMMYYYYY”, “NOOOOOOO”.  I want nothing more than to comfort her.  What is she so afraid of?  What is she saying “NOO” about?  What does she dream that is frightening her so?  She pushes me away again, I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’m scaring her?  Maybe she’ll sleep better without me?  I get up….”NOOOOOOOOOOO” she pulls me in near to her again and tightly wraps her arms around my neck, only to push me away again.  I’m desperate to know what she wants, to know how I can help her, but from experience, I know that this is not possible.  All that is left is to try my best to comfort her.  I know it’s not good enough, but that’s all I can do.

Eventually, she wears herself out.  Her screams slowly quieten down till they are nothing more than a quiet moan, and then eventually nothing.  Every now and then she still lets out a sigh until she is fast asleep.  I lay there for a while, exhausted and relieved. Afraid to get up prematurely and squashed in her tiny bed.  Finally, I slowly remove her hands from me and when she does not move I know it is safe.  I quietly raise myself up and walk away, thankfully she is still asleep.  I look back, she is my beautiful angel again.

Many years ago my daughter was one of the 10-15% of children who suffers from night terrors.  This episode was played out in our home on a regular basis. Initially, I didn’t think much of it until as it wasn’t unusual for her to have periods of waking and distress throughout the night. It wasn’t till I mentioned it to my maternal child health nurse at the time that she casually said: “that would be a night terror”.  There is nothing casual about it!  It’s so horrible to see your child so scared and confused like that, especially when there is nothing you can do to make it better.

I had initially learnt about night terrors years earlier as a psychology student at university.  I had naively thought of it as something that happened to other people, to other people’s children – not to my baby.  Contrary to what every parent who faces this feels, night terrors are actually a normal part of the normal range of development of deep sleep patterns and apart from immediate distress they bring they are nothing to be concerned about.

Night terrors occur when children partially wake from a state of deep non-REM sleep.  During these episodes a child’s mind is asleep, but their body is awake.  Often, as was the case with my daughter, their eyes are open and they are talking (or more often the case screaming), leaving parents such as myself very confused.

Perhaps the most difficult part of witnessing these episodes is that there is very little that you can do as a parent.  Since the child is not awake any effort to comfort them should be gentle as waking them is counterproductive, often just confusing the child and aggravating the situation.  The best thing to do is to gently comfort the child, making sure that they are safe and not in danger of hurting themselves until the episode subsides, at which point they are likely to fall back into a deep sleep fairly quickly.

For the most part night terrors are just a phase that some children pass through and often there is nothing you can do about it.  But there are a couple of things that you can try.   Firstly, do your best to ensure that your child is sleeping enough.  Having a good bedtime routine and regular sleep times can help if this is an issue.  If this doesn’t work or if your child already sleeps well you can try ‘scheduled awakening’. Night terrors usually occur round about the same time every night, if you wake your child half an hour or so before it is due to occur, it may reset their sleep cycle, and by doing so hopefully avoid the night terror.

If these attempts do not help do not hesitate to seek further assistance from your doctor.  Especially if the night terrors are violent and you feel that your child may injure themselves, that the night terrors are happening frequently and significantly impacting on the families sleep, or if your child is very sleepy during the day.

It’s been over 10 years now since we last experienced night terrors, but once you’ve gone through it you never forget the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness in the face of their anguish. As with all phases it eventually passes and one day you wake up and breathe a sigh of relief with the realisation that night terrors are no longer a part of your life.   But the experience of being unable to comfort your child is one that rears its head time and time again, after all, life is full of hurt and disappointment.  Sometimes all you can do is gently hold them knowing that you can’t do or say anything that will make things better.  And as with night terrors, sometimes, despite all the will in the world to make things less painful, all you can do is be there for them and wait for them to feel better on their own.

 

 

 

Nature playgroup

One of the things I struggle with is getting outdoors with the kids.  I have always had one who wasn’t quite so great with instructions.  The one who does a runner at the most unpredictable of times.  The one who you have to constantly watch like a hawk.  As a result, I have often left the outdoor stuff for the weekends when my husband and older kids are around to help.  I just don’t feel it’s safe otherwise.

I had my eye on a nature playgroup for a while.  But because I was about to give birth when I heard of it, and then had a newborn to care for, I didn’t take it any further. Eventually, I realised that we had been stuck at home for way too long and I needed to do this.  Not only for the boys to spend some much needed time outdoors and burn off some energy, but also for my sanity.

It was a bit of a spur of the moment decision.  After coming across a reminder of the playgroup on a Facebook post I decided then and there that we would join.  Too often I sit on things, put them off, tell myself I’ll look into it later….and we all know that later never happens.  I had just emerged from the newborn haze (which admittedly took longer than usual), and I was itching to get out, so I immediately contacted a facilitator and organised it.  After a good nights sleep the panic set in.  Am I crazy?  Do I really want to take a 4-month-old to spend a couple of hours outside in the middle of winter?  Maybe I should have thought this through a bit more. But I knew that getting outdoors more was just what my boys needed, just what we all needed,  so I pushed the doubts aside and went ahead with it.

From the first session, I was hooked.  After a scenic drive, we arrived at our meeting spot, the views were breathtaking.  To begin with we went on a nature walk, picking up leaves and other bits and pieces for our craft activity.  Our facilitator pointed out many wonders during our walk, different trees, moss, burrows, and we even got to see a mob of kangaroos.  After the craft activity, the boys found a tree to climb before being lured away by everybody’s favourite activity, mud play! This is where the kids get dirty, jumping in the mud, mixing it, and making all sorts of goodies. We have mud pies, mud biscuits and mud soup, and naturally, I have to sample each of these culinary delights.  My 7-year-old, who is apparently too cool for this session can’t help but enjoy himself, often finding a little nook embedded in a tree where he bakes his goodies, before an imaginary timer informs him that his mud cake is ready.

After spending minimal time outdoors for 4 months I went away from the first session truly exhilarated, and more importantly, the boys both had lots of fun, even though my 7-year-old tried his hardest not to.  The fresh air and sunshine did us all the world of good, and we have enjoyed each session ever since.

So if you’re considering a nature playgroup or looking for an activity to do with your little one/s I highly recommend a nature playgroup, you won’t regret it!

When the oxygen mask drops: Why as mothers we need to sometimes put ourselves first.

My first days as a mother were challenging to say the least.  My son was unable to breastfeed, and in fact, did not attach for the first time until he was 4 weeks old.  Because of this I basically spent that entire first-month feeding,  sadly I’m not exaggerating as much as you would think.

I was advised to feed him every 2 hours so I would try to breastfeed for about half an hour, feed him milk I had previously expressed for half an hour, and then I’d express milk for his next feed, this took around half an hour as well.  Every 2-hour block, I would get around half an hour to myself, or to do non-feeding things.  I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Things did get easier, we eventually established breastfeeding, and life went on.  But I was a mother now, and everything I did reflected that; the clothes I wore, the books I read, and the people I now socialised with.  My life had changed forever and I just went with the flow, trying to do the best that I could.

No longer could I just go out on a whim, every outing needed a mammoth effort.  I had to pack a nappy bag with extras of everything ‘just in case’.  I had to make sure it wasn’t his nap time or feeding time so he was in the right mood.  Even if I planned and timed everything to perfection and was finally on my way out of the door, I would often be met with the sudden stench of poo, which typically would be the result of a poosplosion which required a bath and complete change of clothes.

Beyond the practicalities was the mental load.  Was I a good enough mother?  Should I use cloth or disposable nappies?   When should I start solids?  What foods should I give?  How should I discipline? The questions and concerns never end.

Just when I thought I had it all worked out and starting to gain in confidence I arrived at the next phase, the next challenge and it started all over again.  And when the craziness that is motherhood became my new norm I discovered I was expecting another addition, as if the chaos that has was my life wasn’t enough.  But I loved it and wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Those early days were like a blur.  The days became weeks, the weeks became months, and the months became years.  Somewhere along the line, I came to a scary realisation. In my attempts to be the best mother I could be, I realised that I no longer knew who I was.  In my effort to dedicate myself to my children, I realised that I was losing myself.  I didn’t quite know what to do about it, but I did know that if something didn’t change soon I was going to burn out and that wasn’t going to be good for anybody.

So I started thinking of myself and making decisions that in my mind were selfish.  I bought myself a nice new camera and took up photography.  I toyed with the idea of starting my own business.  I took time regularly to just relax and do nothing.  I started putting myself first.

All of a sudden that pre-flight safety demonstration that had perplexed me so much as a teenager made sense. In case of an emergency, the instruction is to put an oxygen mask on yourself before tending to your children.  It took me so long to understand this.  After all, what kind of a mother would put her needs in front of the needs of her children?

A good mother. A mother who takes care of her needs first will be there for her children when they need her.  In an emergency situation, a mother who takes care of her needs first will be conscious and able to better assist her children in case of an emergency. In our day to day lives, a mother who takes care of her needs first will be happy and energised, better able to nurture her children.

So the next time you put your needs of yourself in front of those of your children, do not let the mama guilt prevail.  Remember that by taking care of your needs you are better able to take care of your children. Just make sure you put your needs first when the oxygen masks come down, maybe not so much when the food trays come out.  But sometimes, when they’re not looking, that’s ok too.

 

 

After the darkness

Earlier this year, when I had my baby, I went through what was probably one of the most difficult weeks of my life. My pregnancy was high risk and my birth, a c-section under general anaesthetic, was in complete contrast to all my other births. Unfortunately, it didn’t end there, and without going into too much detail my baby ended up in ICU after breathing difficulties. It was one thing after another and I was just embracing each hurdle that came my way because, the way I saw it, I had little choice.  But when one of the doctors witnessed a suppressed cough, suspected pneumonia, and I was told that I could no longer visit my baby, I was at breaking point.

I remember laying there, the nurse trying to insert yet another cannula, my arm by this point resembling a pin cushion, tears streaming down my face. I was in hospital, I was in excruciating pain, and I could barely move. I had no recollection of giving birth, I was only with my baby for a few hours before he was whisked away, and although I would go down and visit him for his feeds the pain made it difficult to stay long. To make matters worse the painkillers were messing with my head and when away I could barely remember what he looked like.  And then the last straw – being told I could no longer see him.

It turned out that I didn’t have pneumonia after all.  The doctor panicked after hearing my cough, but I was fine and I was free to see my baby.  My baby was fine as well, all the tests came back negative, and his breathing episode was not due to an infection, probably a combination of being born by c-section, being early, and a side effect of the strong painkillers I was taken.  After jumping over a few more hurdles I was able to have him by my side again and after just under a week at the hospital, I was finally able to come home.

As the weeks went by my hospital stay haunted me, and when I would think back about that time I would more often than not feel tears welling up in my eyes. Sometimes I would wonder if I was ok.  I had gone through a difficult period and I think it’s normal to feel saddened by it, but occasionally I would wonder if maybe I would need some help to get through it all.  I just decided to keep an eye on it, and it appears that time does indeed all wounds – at least to some extent.

About 6 months after his birth I was speaking to a friend about it, I told her about some of the difficulties I went through, and then I added: “in a way, I’m kind of glad it happened, it helped me to realise what people go through”.  As soon as the words left me I realised it was a bit of a strange thing to say.  I mean who is glad to face hardship?  Who reflects back at the most difficult time in their life with some satisfaction.  But I also realised that it was true, a part of me did find something positive in the experience.  It was puzzling.

Then one day, a couple of weeks later, I found the answer.  I was reading ‘The Conscious Parent’ by Shefale Tsabary, and I came across a paragraph that explained my unusual feelings.  Tsabary writes:

 

When you experience everything as a potential teacher, you embrace anything life sends your way.  You cease either being at war with life when it presents you with a challenge, or being in love with it when it treats you kindly.  Rather, you see both the dark and the light as opportunities for becoming a more conscious human being.

 

This dark time in my life was humbling.  It showed me the fragility of life, it helped me to understand what others go through at difficult times, and it allowed me to realise how blessed I truly am. Just like a butterfly struggling to squeeze through its cocoon, this dark time in my life nurtured something in me which was not there before.

So from now on, whenever life throws me a curve ball I will try to remember this experience. I will strive to remember that with every hardship there is the opportunity for growth.  Instead of wishing it away, I will endeavour to recognise that maybe an experience that I would never choose for myself is exactly what I need to teach me exactly what I need to learn.  Maybe it is only after the darkness that we can regenerate.  And maybe it is only with adversity that we can truly flourish.

 

 

Seven Ways in which Facebook has Changed Our Lives

Last week I got an interesting Facebook notification.  Apparently, it was my 11-year faceversery.  Yes, that is a word, or at least it is according to Facebook. It would seem that I have been using Facebook for eleven years. Eleven years!  Has it really been that long? Eleven years of reunions and discoveries.  Eleven years of likes and shares.  Eleven years of socialising in the comfort of my own home.

The first time I used Facebook I had no idea what it would become, in fact, I hated it.  I had about 5 friends, and it appeared to me to have no purpose.  Why are these people sending me cyber flowers that grow?  And what does this poke mean? I was far from impressed.  I don’t think I logged on again for another couple of months.  This time I  found more friends and my wall became less bare.  Slowly it became more and more interesting.  I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but before I knew it I was hooked.  And so began my love-hate relationship with Facebook.

As the world biggest social media platform, with over 2 billion regular users, there is little doubt that Facebook has been influential – for better or worse it has effected the world. Here are just some of the ways that Facebook has changed our lives:

1. Facebook has changed how we socialise:  Why make the effort to get up, get dressed, and actually leave your house to meet somebody when you can do so in comfort of your own home (and in your pj’s!)? When we feel lonely, depressed, or just feel like company, there will always be somebody available to connect to.  As much as this seems like a good thing, its actually robbing us of some much needed face-to-face time with friends which has been shown to have a positive impact on our health. So although it’s fine to hop on Facebook when we’re feeling a little lonely, be sure to also make time for those face-to-face interactions.

What’s more, when we do finally get together with others, our interactions are not the same. The sight of people sitting down to a meal at a restaurant all staring into their phones is so common that some restaurants have taken the extreme step of banning mobiles.

2. Facebook has helped us retain special memories:  Originally introduced three years ago, the ‘On-this-day’ function, as the name suggests, showed us our Facebook highlights from the current date in previous years.  Now, easily accessible as “Memories”, it shows everything from our previous Facebook posts, posts we were tagged in, friendship anniversaries, photos we have posted, and the newer animated recap from the past month or season.

This is definitely one of my favourite features of Facebook.  It not only helps me to remember milestones but more importantly it helps me to remember the beautiful memories and funny incidents involving my children.  Like the time I found my little girls had fallen asleep in bed together, sweetly cuddling one another.  Or the photo I took of the drawing my then 4-year-old made, perfectly capturing her anger at my husband who didn’t let her run across the road and forcibly held her hand.  These are all memories I cherish. Most of them would have been long forgotten if it wasn’t for Facebook and seeing the yearly reminders always bring a smile to my face.

3.  Facebook has changed how we share photos: As somebody who has lots of family overseas, this is another feature that I really appreciate.  Long gone are the days where I would prepare photos well in advance and physically send them overseas, now my relatives can see photos of our family regularly.  They can watch them grow and feel closer to us in a way which was never possible before.  Similarly, friends who live far away or just rarely get to see us can still share in our lives, and suddenly the time and distance doesn’t seem so large anymore.

4. Facebook has changed how we perceive others’ lives:  One of the downsides to photo sharing is this perception that others have amazing and perfect lives.  Let’s face it, we are very selective when it comes to photo sharing. I could cook a hundred relatively boring meals, nothing pic worthy, but that one impressive looking meal I cook all year (not necessarily indicative of its taste) is going on Facebook.  Similarly, I don’t photograph the days we spend at home, in our plain home clothes surrounded by clutter. Instead, I photograph our outings and holidays, with our temporary picturesque surrounds and the rare occasions that my children are being civil to one another.  The result?  Our lives look almost picture perfect, a far cry from reality.

On the plus side, this has lead to attempts to counter these unrealistic standards through photos and descriptions of reality.  Often shared by celebrities, but also normal everyday people, these posts are about everything from post-birth bodies, makeup-less faces, and particularly bad days as a parent.  They normalise the hard slogs, the unglamourous mundane days of our lives, and remind us that at the end of the day, despite appearances to the contrary, we are basically all the same.  More importantly, they help rid us of the impossible standards we start to expect of ourselves.

5.  Facebook has changed how we consume news:  Facebook has not only changed the way we access news, but it has also changed the type of news we access.  I rarely watch news through television anymore, often relying on whatever news articles my Facebook friends share to learn what is happening in the world.  There are positives and negatives to this.  The positive is that the big news corporations are losing their domination, they are no longer alone in dictating what is and what isn’t newsworthy.  Additionally, they can no longer restrict the opinions we are exposed to.  The negative is that this can be rather insular, learning about a very small spread of news that people who share similar characteristics, views and values as ourselves find newsworthy.  Ideally, news should extend us, inform us of what is occurring around the world, and sometimes even challenge some of our current perspectives.  Facebook does not do this perfectly, but have we ever had perfection?  And is this the role of Facebook?

Facebook seems to think so and has recently accepted some responsibility for how news filters through its platform by taking measures to reduce the incidence of fake news. Although this looks like a great initiative, the ease with which the fake news label can quickly turn into a form of censorship and a way of controlling information is of concern. Hopefully, the right balance is found, but given how these things normally work I’m not holding my breath.

6. Facebook has changed motherhood:  Another one of my favourite things about FaceBook is the communities it builds, particularly for new mothers.  As a new mother, it is tough at the best of times, you have hundreds of questions, particularly if you’re a first-time mum.  Beyond the practical help, these groups for new mothers can be a life-line.  Sometimes, just when you’re at breaking point, when it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and you don’t know how long you can keep doing this for, just being able to open up, pour your heart out, and have somebody there who knows exactly how you’re feeling is invaluable. The birth of my first was a very lonely experience. Going from working full time and constantly seeing people, to having little communication with anybody for the first few months, made a difficult time even more difficult.  Thanks to Facebook (and to a lesser degree forums) those days are long gone.

7. Facebook has changed how we spend our time:  Although the average person spends 35 minutes a day on Facebook, there is little doubt that many of us spend way too much time on Facebook.  Most of us have our good and bad days and often justify it by using it during our downtime, while waiting for appointments, or instead of television.  The problem is when we use it when we rest at home, it often leaves us unavailable for our families during a time we used to be available and we don’t really know the effect this will have on relationships, particularly with our children. It is rumoured that Facebook is working on an app to monitor our usage to help remedy this. It will be interesting whether this will have an impact on our usage, only time will tell.

 

What started as a way for college students to connect has grown into one of the world’s largest social networks.  Not all the changes described above are specific to Facebook, they do, however, all feature strongly within this platform. There is no doubt that Facebook can be a useful tool, but as with many things in life, there can also be many drawbacks.  The trick is to use it wisely, that way we can reap the benefit without succumbing to the harm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Using Screen Time For Good

My 7-year-old is a reluctant reader.  Truth be told, he is a reluctant almost everything good for him.  This has frustrated me to no end and is essentially the reason why I decided to homeschool him.  With most things, he has good and bad days.  Though with reading, we really didn’t make any progress.

I have never, in his seven years, seen him pick up a book voluntarily and just read.  He even shuns programs like Reading Eggs. When I want him to read books I have to be there beside him, and even then he refuses. Finally, he succumbs to a compromise of reading a page each, usually insisting on reading the ones with more picture and less text.

This is contrary to anything I’ve ever experienced.  I have always loved reading and can’t imagine a life without books.  I spent countless hours as a child with my head in a book, imagining make-believe places, sharing in the excitement and fears of the characters, and always wishing it was me going on the adventures.

Likewise, his three older siblings have also loved reading. My second, in particular, was practically born obsessed with books.  As a toddler, she would walk about the house carrying books with her everywhere.  At the age of three, she would pile up a stack of books so high on her bedside table that I would have to remove them each night, worried it would collapse and fall on her head as she slept.  Unfortunately, though, my seven-year-old appears to have taken his lead from his older brother, who at some point discovered that reading wasn’t considered cool by his peers and by the time master seven was old enough to notice, his older brother had long given up on books.

I have tried everything to pique his interest. I have started off books with him, hoping once his interest was sparked that he would continue on his own.  The first half of the plan would work, he would become absorbed, asking for more. Unfortunately, however, his laziness would overpower his interest, having to actually read himself was just not worth the effort. I’ve taken him to libraries and tried buying him books on topics or characters he is interested in, he just begs for me to read it for him.  In desperation I even went on a homeschooling page on Facebook asking for advice, I was actually shot down by some who thought I shouldn’t be forcing my values on him and that I should just let him be.  Ummm thanks, but no thanks.

Then the other day when complaining about the situation to my husband, he turned to me and said: “You need to understand that these days books are competing with other things that we didn’t have growing up, they are more interested in technology and their devices.”

Like most children these days, master 7 loves his screen time.  He becomes obsessed, to the point where I have pretty much banned and confiscated everything he had access to.  It was after this remark by my husband that I realised that this technology-obsessed boy was never going to willingly chose to read a book over his devices.  And even if he doesn’t have access to them, it’s that kind of stimulation that he is after – the instant gratification, not the long toil.  I realised that the mistake I was making is that I was setting up books against technology and books could never win.   I decided then and there that I had to find a solution that made screen time work for us, not against us.

What I decided to do is set some pretty strict guidelines where he can earn time on the computer.  Firstly, in order to qualify for computer usage, he needs to complete all his homeschooling requirements for the day.  Then once he qualifies he can earn time on the computer by either using educational games (both online or otherwise) and reading.  So far it is working great.  And the beauty of the system is that by the time he finishes all his work and then goes on to earn credit, he really doesn’t have that much time to use his screen time anyhow!

I can’t say it’s not without its hiccups.  Today he tried to blackmail one hour out of me so that he would hold onto his rubbish instead from throwing it on the road like he wanted to.  He is also earning too much credit too quickly so it seems that I may need to tweak the credit system a little. However, on the whole, it’s working like a charm and for somebody who has always avoided work like the plague and refused to read on his own for his entire life, it’s wonderful to see him so motivated.

As an added bonus I have a new discipline strategy under my sleeve.  If he ignores my requests as he has a habit of doing when I’m unable to follow up (eg, annoying his sister in the car when I’m driving) all I have to do is tell him that if he continues I’m taking an hour off his accrued time and its pretty much instant obedience from there.

Will it last? I can’t say for sure, but it’s certainly a step in the right direction. For now, I’m just savouring the simple pleasure of seeing him read in bed before sleep and praying that during this time he finds the magic that can be found in books and he can love reading as much as I did when I was a child – as much as I do now.